Questions

This is not the blog post I intended to write. I had planned to write about the wonderful trip to sleeping Bear Dunes I had with my sister a couple weeks ago. I’ve also been waiting to write about my new dog, Toby, but I wanted to wait until he was well and bathed and I had some good photos of the two of us together. This blog post is about Toby. But it’s not just a happy introduction, like I’d planned. Instead, it’s full of questions. It is our story - right now. It speaks to where my heart is tonight as my sweet little dog lies on the floor by the couch, just as sick as he was last Sunday evening. And I don’t understand.

I took the death of my dear Tosca hard last August. We had been together fourteen wonderful years and done so much together. It was awful being alone at home and, honestly, this past year has been really difficult. I still miss her incredibly. But I knew God had another dog planned for me, and I figured I’d start looking after school was out for the summer. I’d look through the Petfinder listings periodically and always end up wondering if I could “do” another dog – one that wasn’t Tosca. I even went to the local Petapalooza on June 9 and looked at the dogs the rescue groups had brought along. At that point I decided I wasn’t yet ready for another dog; it was too hard.

However, the next evening, for some reason I again looked at the Petfinder listings, and found the following ad:

Something about this dog intrigued me and I decided to drive up to Stanton (2 hours away) to check her out. When I got there, they told me the dog was actually a male and had been listed on Petfinder incorrectly. I was only looking at female dogs and was ready to leave when something inside told me that since I had already driven all the way up, I could at least look at him. They brought him out and I took him outside. He was a little skittish but stayed right with me. He was beautiful! His ears and tail reminded me of Tosca, yet he looked unique. I crouched on the ground and he sat in front of me, looking at me with his beautiful brown eyes and then put his paw up on my arm. I fell in love and took him home.

Normally they spay/neutor the dogs before letting them leave, but since the shelter was full, I left a deposit which would be returned when I sent proof that he was neutered. 

I felt certain (and still do) that this was the dog God had chosen for me and almost laughed thinking about how the dog had to be listed as female in order for me to see his picture (“God works in mysterious ways!).

We had a great time that afternoon and evening playing fetch with a tennis ball as he explored the house. I was filled with excitement and anticipation for the rest of the summer as we’d hike and explore together.

However, early the next morning (about 1:30) he started vomiting. I thought it might be because of the stress and change in environment, but I made an appointment with the vet that morning. They found he did have some issues that are common to shelter dogs and gave me some medication for that, and we went home. But he kept getting worse, and we ended up with four visits to the vet within a week. He’d make some progress and then go backwards again.

I thought he was finally turning the corner this weekend as he got his appetite back and was eating well on Friday and Saturday. We went for several walks and he was playing with his toys and eager to interact with me. The four medications he’d on would be finished by next Tuesday, so I was ready to be finished with this sick business.

Then came today. He began vomiting again this morning and has been very lethargic. He’s spent the entire day today either sleeping or vomiting. He can’t keep any food down; I haven’t even tried any of his medications. I feel like we’re right where we were last Sunday (except for the thousand dollars I’ve spent on vet bills in the last week and a half).

At this point I’m very frustrated, confused, sad, and worried. It was so hard to even get another dog and now to see him so sick …  I don’t understand why God would have me find and fall in love with this dog only to have him get so sick. If I had left him at the shelter to be neutered (my other option) and he’d gotten sick, he never would have survived. If I hadn’t gotten him when I did and he’d gotten sick, they wouldn’t have put him up for adoption. So I feel like this was God’s plan. But how serious is his sickness? How long (and how much money) will it take to figure out the cause? What if it’s something that isn’t fixable? I don’t have any answers right now, but I do have lots of questions.

And tonight my heart is hurting. I’ve opened it up to another dog – a precious sweetheart of a dog that I truly love – and I just want him to be okay.  I do trust God, but on days like today, it is hard.