Farjuffled

I was looking for a word to describe how I’ve felt during the past month in my “new normal.” At first I came up with confliction, a word I made up by putting two words together: conflicting + emotions = confliction. But when I did an online search I found at least one dictionary that said it was a real word meaning a fight or strong disagreement. And that is not what I mean by it. (So much for making up words!) So I searched again for words meaning “conflicting emotions” and found the word farjuffled on urbandictionary.com. So that’s the word I’m going with to describe my life lately – farjuffled. Conflicting emotions. Happy sad.

Actually, I don’t think one word can accurately describe how I feel. School is going well; we’ve developed our classroom routines and I’m enjoying my students. My mind is occupied throughout the day with children, curriculum, and everything school-related. No time to think about anything else during the day.

My new normal at home is to have both the radio and TV on throughout the evening, just for the noise factor. Otherwise the house is too quiet. The biggest change at home is that I now sit by the television to grade papers and do schoolwork. I’ve watched very little television during the past few years (with only basic cable there was really nothing worth watching), so I always sat on my comfy couch and listened to the radio (with Tosca on the floor, next to me). Thankfully, this past summer I upgraded to full cable, because I need the noise of TV programming right now – keeps my mind somewhat occupied during the evenings. (I’m surviving on episodes of “Everybody Loves Raymond and old TCM movies!)

I’ve enjoyed the ability to make plans with family/friends without worrying about being home by a certain time to take care of Tosca. I actually visited Art Prize four times this year – it was great to spend evenings with friends in downtown Grand Rapids looking at all the artwork. I also attended a GR Symphony concert and a show by the Blue Man Group. I do enjoy the freedom of making plans and being able to go away when I feel like it.

I’ll go for several days feeling pretty good – almost happy at times. And I’ll think things are getting better. I’m moving on. But then something happens (often unexpectedly) which brings me to tears. Like forgetting I’m in charge of staff devotions at school or seeing a Husky dog.

Weekends are the most difficult. Two whole days … to think and remember. I’ve spent at least part of almost every weekend at my parents’ house and am thankful for their standing invitation. It’s been good to get away from my empty house and spend time with my parents. Although I’m starting to feel like a regular attendee at their church! (I will get back to my own church soon.)

I know grieving is a process that takes time. It is getting better. I’ve looked at Petfinders.com a couple times but realize I’m not ready for another dog yet. I still miss Tosca and only want her right now. So I’ll continue to deal with my conflictions and farjuffled feelings. Life goes on.