One Month

Hard to believe. At times it seems like yesterday; other times it seems like ages since I sat next to her, stroking her fur. I’m very thankful for school, which keeps me focused and busy throughout the day. But it’s amazing how, so often, as I return to my classroom after car duty at the end of the school day, the shadow of grief and loss envelopes me. It’s not as intense as the first couple weeks, but it’s still there. She was more than just a dog to me; she was a huge part of my life for fourteen years, and I feel so alone without her. I’ve spent at least part of each weekend in Grand Rapids with my parents as it’s so quiet and empty at home. 

This is the first weekend I’ve stayed home. My goal for Saturday was to clean the house. I haven’t cleaned since the week before she died. I haven’t been around enough or in the mood; it definitely needed to be cleaned. And I got it done. But it surprised me how difficult it was. As I dusted and vacuumed, it seemed I was erasing all traces of her. I had to stop several times as little tufts of fur tucked in the edges of the carpet were sucked up the vacuum hose. After all the years of complaining about her fur all over the house, now I’m crying because it’s the last time I’ll sweep it up. Even bringing the full vacuum bag out to the trash was hard. But, although the physical traces are gone from the floor and furniture, Tosca is still here in my heart. Anyway, it was a difficult and emotional day. But the house looks great!  And I spent a wonderful evening with my parents and extended family celebrating my dad’s birthday at a local restaurant.

Today I went hiking by myself for the first time. Without Tosca, I don’t think I ever would have even thought about hiking. I was always an “inside person.” I started hiking when I got her and have grown to love walking out in the woods. It was something we loved to do together. She was always so excited whenever we’d get out of the car and she’d pull on the leash, eager to see what there was to explore. I spent about two hours at Hemlock Crossings County Park, one of my favorite places. It was a beautiful day – perfect for a walk in the woods. I went in her memory – to remember the good times we had hiking together. But I also went to prove to myself that I could go hiking by myself. I don’t have to give this up, even if she’s not here. Someday, when I get another dog, I hope to take her hiking too. But walking in the woods offers the perfect setting to pray and think, and I needed to show myself that I can still do it by myself. (I also realized that it’s quite a bit quieter hiking without a dog – saw a rabbit hiding near a tree and a group of ants on the path busily gathering supplies.) It was good to be outside in the woods – remembering, thinking, and praying.