Wrestling

I’ve been wrestling with God lately. Not literally, of course, but intense just the same. I often pray as I’m walking my dog, and my prayers during the last month have been filled with questions, anger, frustration, and even doubts. They usually end with tears (which can be embarrassing when you’re out for a walk). I just don’t understand. How can it be God’s will that a young mother of three lose her battle with cancer? How can God’s plan be that her consistent testimony of His presence and strength throughout this four-year struggle result in her death? So many people have been encouraged in their family’s journey that I was sure God would heal her. Even as she rested in Hospice House, I prayed for the miraculous healing that I know God was able to provide. I realize many others battle with cancer, but this one hits close to home. I know this family. I’ve had two of their three children in my class at school and have come to love them all dearly. I’ve questioned God’s goodness, His plan, and even His existence at all. My head believes, but my heart finds it hard.

And then I was reminded of God’s promises by the faith writings of my second graders at the end of the year.

• “God listens to me. God always keeps his promises. God keeps creating new life. God loves me and cares for me. God helps me through hard times.”
• “I believe that God is faithful. And he loves me and answers my prayers. He keeps me safe.”
• “I believe that Jesus is everywhere and that he loves me.”
• “I believe that Jesus died for me. He always keeps his promises. He helps me up when I fall. He comforts me through hard times. He answers my prayers.”
• “Jesus died for me because he forgave my sins. So he was crucified for me. I can’t prove it but I know it’s true. Nothing will make me turn away from God, not even for a million dollars.”

I always love reading these year-end writings of my students. But this year they provide a renewed assurance for me. They remind me of God’s love and faithfulness, even in the difficult and “un-understandable” times of life. I’m glad I teach in a school where I can help instill in my students this trust in God’s love and care. I’m thankful that, even in my adult questions and doubt, God still loves me and provides the reminders that He is real and is always with us. I’m grateful that my heart is slowly coming back in tune with my head knowledge.