Living with Loss

It’s been six months since my dad died. That’s half of a year. It seems like a long time ago and just last month, both at the same time. I remember his last few days so clearly that it’s hard to believe so much time has passed. And yet, life has gone on.

We’ve done many things in these last six months. I went kayaking at Pictured Rocks, my mom and I took a trip to New York City, and my sister joined us for a “Ladies Weekend” up north. It was strange not to tell my dad about our trips. He always enjoyed hearing about what we were doing. My mom traded in her car for a smaller one and had the rotting window repaired in her condo. She also spent numerous hours on the phone with ATT U-verse representatives trying to get the TV/internet working again. She’s learning a new type of independence; I’m proud of her. We spent hours going over paperwork, dealing with social security, and changing various accounts into her name this summer; then we find there’s still more to do. We didn’t realize how much paperwork there is to deal with when a family member dies. My mom is developing new routines – cooking for one, paying the bills, making decisions on her own, going out for breakfast with her church’s widows group, and learning to live without my dad.

But the ache of living with this loss continues. I’ll be going along with my day when something reminds me of my dad and then I remember he’s not here. Sometimes I just want to hear his voice or ask his advice. I want to tell him what I’m doing. I wonder what he’s doing in heaven. Often, a sermon or song at church will remind me of my dad. Whenever I go downstairs in their condo and see the rearranged furniture without his desk, I have to catch my breath. There are times when I feel that gut-wrenching pain of missing him and knowing he’s not ever coming back – it’s so final, and I just feel sad. I miss him.

God created people to live in community; to be in relationship with each other. Death is the ultimate separation from other people. It’s such a devastating result of sin – not the way it’s supposed to be.

(Romans 5:12 - Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all people, because all sinned—). I truly hate sin and its effects.

Two of my friends/colleagues unexpectedly lost their husband and father last month. Attending the visitation and funeral brought my own experience with my dad right back to my mind. I can relate to some of their feelings: the separation and loss. But I can’t relate to the unexpectedness of their loss. I’ve thought about death a lot lately. I’ve wondered which is easier: a slower death with time to prepare vs. an unexpected death with no suffering. I’ve come to the conclusion that both are hard simply because we were not created for this separation. We were created for life. It’s hard to say goodbye and the finality of death remains with us always.

Amidst my grief with this loss is the hope I have through Christ. I believe the Bible and cling to this verse: For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 6:23). I’m thankful that God found a way to restore the separation death brings.

I find myself thinking about heaven a lot more now. I wonder what it’s like there. I wonder if my dad has reconnected with his parents, his friends and colleagues, Christians he admired. What is it like to actually see God? To be in a place where there is no sadness, disease, or pain? I have so many questions about God and heaven. My parents and I read several books about heaven in the months before my dad died; I wonder what new things he’s discovered and what he’s doing. I look forward to meeting him again someday in heaven.

And so I continue living my life. Moving on, in a way, but remembering my dad with love. And living with this deep loss.