Christmas Disappointment

Hope turned into eager anticipation this past Wednesday as my brother texted that they had checked in at the airport and were waiting to board their plane. He and his wife had made plans last summer to come to the US for Christmas this year. Our entire family was looking forward to meeting my sister-in-law, Olya, and seeing Peter again. His last trip home had been over two years ago just before his wedding to Olya, which took place in Krasnoyarsk, Siberia. My mom and I were the only ones who had been able to make the long trip for the wedding, and we looked forward to introducing her to the rest of our family at Christmas time.

Their US trip plans, however, continued to go back and forth with Olya’s spinal surgery and subsequent recovery this fall. And just after they received the doctor’s okay to travel abroad, Olya came down with pneumonia and Peter got the flu. As of last Monday, we still weren’t sure if they’d be coming. But on Tuesday they made the decision to come and Wednesday afternoon we got the message that they were checked in at the airport in Krasnoyarsk waiting to board their plane for Moscow. From there they would travel to New York and then to Grand Rapids via Cincinnati, arriving around 9:30 pm on Christmas Eve. What a wonderful Christmas present!

I went to bed Wednesday night full of plans for last-minute shopping the next morning and excited for our family Christmas get-together. But when I awoke on Thursday morning and checked my email, I found a note from my mom written around 2:30 in the morning. Peter had called from the Moscow airport with the news that there was a problem. We found out later that they’d been given conflicting information and even a call to the US embassy didn’t help. They eventually got a plane back to Krasnoyarsk and returned safely in time for a quiet Christmas at home.

Beginning in the summer and continuing all fall, Peter kept thinking about the song “I’ll Be Home For Christmas.” We didn’t think about the last line of the song: “if only in my dreams.” That’s how it turned out this year. But, in another sense, his home is with his wife and their home together right now is Krasnoyarsk.

Our family was deeply disappointed. I had planned to go to my parents’ on Christmas Day and spend the weekend with them and Peter and Olya. We’d then meet my sister and her family in Florida next week for a family reunion at Disney World.

I sat at the kitchen table early Thursday morning, trying to absorb the fact that, after coming so close, Peter and Olya wouldn’t be spending Christmas with us. Suddenly my crowded “to do” list was meaningless. No last minute little gifts to purchase, no quick stop at the grocery store to pick up some tea for Olya and sea foam candy for Peter, and now I really didn’t need to clean my house (at least not thoroughly) because no one would be coming to visit. I cried at the kitchen table as I asked God why, although I fully trust that He is in control and that this was His will. For whatever reason, it was not in God’s plan for Peter and Olya to spend Christmas 2009 in the United States. Later I cried with my mom on the phone as we adjusted our Christmas plans.

Christmas Eve turned into a dismal, drab day. My mood totally matched the weather outside. I had no motivation and the thought of going to church to celebrate anything was too much. I ended up going to my parents in the afternoon (just as the freezing rain began) and found they felt the same way. For the first time that I can remember, we didn’t go to church on Christmas Eve. We just spent the evening together, talking, playing Rumicub, and trying to cheer each other up. Christmas and its message of rejoicing seemed so far away.

I felt guilty for taking the news so hard. After all, many people are dealing with much bigger disappointments and heartaches. But I think we just needed time to grieve the loss of our anticipated time together, especially since it had been so up and down whether they were coming. My parents and I began to feel better by Christmas morning and we had a nice, quiet day together. We even talked with Peter and Olya via Skype. I also spent time online reviewing some of the activities at Disney World, which was therapeutic for me. After a day of not even wanting to go to Florida, I’m again looking forward to spending time with my sister and brother-in-law and their kids next week.

I’m so thankful that God’s gift of salvation doesn’t depend on our ever-changing moods. Although I couldn’t rejoice on Christmas Eve or even Christmas Day this year, deep in my heart I’m so thankful for the gift of Jesus. I’m also extremely thankful that God understands my feelings and loves me. This morning as I was taking Tosca for a walk, I briefly saw the bright orange sun poke out from behind the clouds and thanked God for the glimpse of sun after a dull cloudy day. I told Him I needed to see the sun, even for just a moment. And then I recalled the other spelling of sun - and thanked God for sending His Son, whose coming did not depend on my feelings but His grace.

I’m hopeful that Peter and Olya will be able to come to the US to visit sometime in 2010. If possible, summer would be a great time to showcase Michigan and we could have a great family reunion on Mackinac Island. And, we still need a family picture! But I’m leaving that in God’s hands. He is in control of all our plans.